Growing through my Insecurities
All of us have insecurities, most of us grow out of old ones and into new ones. We learn that as we grow, our focuses shift from our bodies to our jobs, or money, or life in general. But we never really sit down and think about our growth. We say we’re insecure about the size of our hands, but never comment on how we used to be insecure about our voice.
So here, I want to make a little map of my own insecurities. Ones I had as a child, some that grew with me, some I grew into. I want people to do the same, not to hate themselves for what they are currently insecure about, but love themselves for their growth. Who knows, maybe remembering our old insecurities will help us overcome our new ones.
As a young child, my older siblings loved to make fun of me. I am, and was, a sensitive soul and I was different. I was an easy target, as most younger siblings are. Not to say that my parents disregarded this teasing, but in a full family, it’s hard to keep tabs on everyone and everything.
So, and a young child, I had a lot of insecurities. My front teeth are bigger than most people, so being called buck teeth wasn’t a rare occurrence. I was also called giraffe neck despite not having an abnormally long neck. I have since overcome these insecurities. I smile in pictures, despite having big front teeth, because it makes me unique. I’m over the giraffe neck thing too, I still don’t understand what it came from, but I suppose siblings will be siblings.
Growing into puberty came with the insecurities most people gain. Social pressure, body changes, discovering who you are, it’s a tough time for everyone. I had the extra layer of figuring out I am trans. This came with bad posture (to hide my chest), not talking to many people (to hide my voice), and a general heightened anxiety in any situation due to the worry of being “found out”.
As puberty processed, these insecurities became worse, they weren’t only insecurities anymore. So (with the permission of my parents, I was a minor still) I started hormones. This has gotten me past my insecurity over my voice, and top surgery helped me become more confident in my body. While I still have anxiety, the trans-related anxiety has gone down. This is because I’ve been able to transition and because I’ve worked with a therapist to become more confident in myself.
There is no exaggeration when I say I am super proud of myself. Growing past these insecurities would probably be one of the best achievements I’ve had so far.
Now, to get back on track, I’m now a young adult slowly transitioning from child life to adult life. For those of you who are older, I’m sure you remember the fear and excitement in this stage of your life.
I’ve just started full-time college this semester. To keep my record streak going, I’ve decided to step out of my comfort zone and take five classes instead of the normal four. Of course, with this, I am worried about doing well and being able to keep track of everything. I’m what many call an overachiever. Despite having good grades so far in my academic career (high school and dual-enrollment classes), I’m still worried about how well I’m doing.
I’m insecure about my place in life.
I took my first job early in the spring. While I was good at it, it wasn’t easy for me to keep track of that and school, so I quit. This makes me insecure about my ability to juggle different things. This insecurity comes from comparing myself to others. I know some people who already have their associates and they aren’t even a year older than me. I know some who are able to do well with school and a job, I know some who are on track to get internships.
I am extremely proud of these people, there’s no question about that. But sometimes the pressure of society to be “good” and “caught up” makes me insecure about where I am.
While I’m still working on this insecurity, sometimes it helps to remind myself that everyone has their own path, and I’m still creating mine. I’m on track to complete some of my own research. I’m hoping to get a better diagnosis from my new therapist in the near future. I’ve been talking to professors and recruiters in the area about good careers for me to get into, and anyone I can get in contact with to get the ball rolling.
Despite having an insecurity, I don’t need to let it drag me down. I can let it wash over me, then take a deep breath and push it aside. I am stronger than my insecurities, we all are.
