How I took control
The pandemic hit us hard, all of us. We lost friends, family, coworkers. We lost jobs, money, time. There was no knowing what would happen around the corner, and for the longest time, it seems as if there was nothing we could do.
I don’t respond to change well, especially as big as this. I was, like many other people, spiraling into a dark place.
2020 wasn’t a good year for any of us. It wasn’t a good year for me. There are things that happened that still hurt me today. Things I still think about often. There were people I lost, people I was scared for, people who left me. I couldn’t seem to get better.
So, I did what a lot of people did. I stayed inside and watched TV until 2 am. Surprisingly (or not), that didn’t help my mood at all. Now, I woke up later feeling lethargic and tired along with the normal shittiness.
I was in therapy at the time. I was in therapy before the pandemic, and thank god I was because it kept me afloat somewhat. But I remember my therapist telling me to ‘find something I could control’.
And, at first, I was like there isn’t anything I can control right now. The world is going to shit around me, my life is going to shit. Literally, no bad thing seemed to be off the table.
‘That’s why you have to find something you can control’ she said ‘something small’.
It just so happened that over that spring and summer, we had a lot of landscaping to do (weeding/mulching/gardening). Of course, I planned to help out anyway, because I live here and that’s common sense to help out, but it was almost like a little light bulb went off in my head.
(Little side note: before this, I hated doing stuff outside. Not because I hate outside, but because I hate the heat. I still helped, but probably not as much as I could/should have.)
So, that became my thing. I went outside, alone, worked for about an hour, then came back in before it got too hot.
I think it’s an understatement to say that this completely turned me around. Obviously, I didn’t go from depressed to elated just like that, but I started feeling better. I started feeling a lot better. Besides just the good feeling from being outside, it gave me a chance to clear my head and get away from everything for a bit. For that hour, it was just me and nature. It didn’t matter how much I got done. It doesn’t matter if I spent half of the time just sitting there talking to myself. As long as I got out there and weeded some, I felt better.
I found something I could control.
Now, I didn’t do all the weeding around the house myself, but I did do a good majority of it. Between me and my parents, we were putting out almost 5 bags of weeds/dead plants/ etc a week.
There’s something amazing about looking at a flowerbed and thinking ‘wow, I cleaned that up myself, it looks great because of me’. Some of our plants did better that year because I kept on top of the weeding. There was a whole mini bush that came up that I’ve never noticed before.
I did that. I could control how good everything looked.
I have nothing against watching TV or playing video games, but I’ve found that those can contribute to the bad feeling. If you’re inside all day watching TV, your eyes are glued to a screen and you aren’t getting the sun time that you need. And unless you’re lifting weights or running while you watch TV, you’re sitting down all day which is also not good for you.
Yes, I know it takes a lot of energy to peel yourself out of bed and go outside, but trust me it is worth it. You need to break the cycle to feel better. Even if you just go outside for ten minutes and think about crackers, it helps you get outside and clear your mind. Ten minutes without a screen, without news or someone reminding you the world is falling about. Ten minutes listening to birds and being under the sun.
You’ll feel better.
Now, this won’t cure everything. I still get depressed and anxious and the whole boat, but, for that hour I’m outside I feel amazing.
For that hour, the phone goes away, I am alone, I focus on one part of the flowerbed and either talk to myself or let my mind wander. By the end of it, I’m refreshed. I feel good. If I was angry, I’m no longer angry. If I was upset, I’m no longer upset.
Yes, once I go back on my phone or TV or have a conversation with someone, I may feel like shit again, but at least I had that hour to myself. And even if I go back to feeling like shit, it’s less shit than before. That’s because I broke the cycle and have less weighing down on me.
For those who don’t know, the cycle looks a bit like this.
Wake up feeling bad → Don’t want to do anything → turns on the TV/computer/phone → Stays inside all day doing said thing → Eyes hurt/feel tired or lethargic/feel bad because of news or something you heard → Can’t sleep because you feel bad even though you feel tired → wake up feeling bad and tired
To give an example of breaking the cycle, I’ll use my weeding.
Wake up feeling bad → Don’t want to do anything → Drag myself outside to weed → Being outside boosts my mood/ being in control of the weeds boosts my mood/ I’m able to clear my head of the bad feeling → go inside after about an hour → Feel more energized to do things I enjoy → Even if I do start to feel bad again, I had a break from earlier so it doesn’t hang over me so heavily → Sleep a little better because I was active outside so I’m both physically and mentally tired → Wake up feeling a little better than before
Now, the weeding has done amazing for me, but it’s not for everyone. Some people like to mow, some people like to go for walks, some people just like to read outside. I will say the two criteria it has to meet are 1. be outside and 2. be able to clear your thoughts. So nothing too brain heavy. Seriously, no going outside and checking the news on your phone.
Do you need to go outside every day? No. Don’t force yourself outside if there is a downpour or a heatwave, but also don’t make up small excuses to go outside. If the grass is wet, stay on the pavement. If it’s a little too hot, turn on a sprinkler. Try to find ways you can go outside instead of can’t. Obviously, it’s impossible to make time every day to go outside and clear your head, but if there’s time to scroll on Instagram, there’s time to go outside for a walk.
Even now, a whole year later, I still use weeding. If I’m in a bad mood, I know it’s time for me to make time to get outside. I get out under the sun and let my thoughts wander. It’s helped me realize what I was feeling and how to communicate it. It’s kept me out of arguments, and it’s given me the motivation I need to do things.
It gave me the motivation to write this!
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