Seriously, it doesn't.
I can’t tell you the number of toxic relationships I’ve had around me growing up, and how much that messed me up. It was always normalized too. With all the “I hate my wife” or “Marriage is a ball and chain” jokes. Let’s not forget how normalized bad communication is.
(I talk about good communication in my piece “How To Relationship When Your Brain Just Can’t”.)
Why do we find it normal and okay when two grown adults are shouting at each other because one forgot to grab milk? Don’t even get me started on a lack of respect.
Why do people do this to themselves? Love is supposed to make you feel giddy, it’s supposed to make you feel like your on cloud nine! Sure love won’t always be like that, but if it’s always bringing you down, what’s the point?
Also, why do we immediately tell new couples that they’ll end up hating each other/arguing a lot/turn into an old married couple? Why do we want to scare them like that? Why is the whole old married couple a thing anyway? I don’t want to spend the last of my years arguing and hating on the one I love. That’s when you should be loving them the most because they have spent so much time with you and are there for you for your last days.
I’m not saying you and your partner will be perfect 24/7. I understand that some things get on your nerves. Trust me, I have lots of family (like, lots of family) and I know how it can be. But, you choose someone to spend your life with, you choose them knowing that they will have flaws and perhaps things you don’t like.
After all, no one is perfect.
But if it bothers you that your partner leaves hair in the drain after they shower, yelling at them isn’t going to work. Yelling makes people feel defensive and that’s where the argument starts. Instead, sit down and talk. I’ve had to sit down and talk with my partner. We’ve both messed up with stuff and we just need to put our ego aside and listen.
And yes, I haven’t been in a relationship for 5+ years, but that doesn’t mean I know nothing. I hate when people try to compare relationships like that. You can go through a lot in a few months, you can be smooth sailing for 3 years. No two relationships are the same.
Honestly, though, having a good relationship isn’t as hard as everyone thinks. I’ve just found that some people don’t really want to try. It’s easy to just yell at someone and spit out words instead of thinking ahead of time. It’s easy to blame everything on the other person. But, this makes relationships really rough for both people. It makes them unenjoyable.
I don’t see why anyone would want to be in a relationship that drags them down like that.
Yes, I understand that abusive relationships are different, and some people are just stuck. I’m not talking about those relationships. I’m talking about the two people who live comfortably but feel the need to argue every time one of them finds a piece of wrapper on the floor.
(If you are in an abusive relationship, check out https://www.thehotline.org/, and please be safe.)
Saying from my own personal experience, it’s so nice to be in a good relationship now. It’s so nice to not have to walk on eggshells. It’s so nice to just be able to ask for something or ask about something and not get a snippy reply. It’s super nice to trust and respect each other. We can do stuff together or alone, and there is no worry.
I’m not saying don’t ever bring up something to your partner. If you have to pick up the dog shit every time, then sit your partner down and tell them they have to help. Yes, it may turn into an argument, but realize if everything is turning into an argument like that, it’s time to move on. It’s hard, yes, but it will be so much better for your mental and physical health.
Remember, love and relationships are supposed to be fun. You’re supposed to be happy when you’re with your partner, not depressed. You’re supposed to feel on top of the world, not below it.
